My Inner Renovation Revelations

I have been going through something HUGE these past few weeks. Some sort of emotional (or spiritual) detox is what I am thinking it is. I could attribute it to many things, I had been racking my brain thinking of what was going on. & its hard to even explain it.

I felt this huge sadness, waves of it coming over me, and then the tears. I felt like something inside of me needed to get out.. and it was confusing whether the best thing was to just let it or to try to go the other way and fight it so I wouldn't experience this. But I felt the right thing was to experience it.. whatever it was, to get into it.

It was unusual for me. I have never been depressed, I mean in my teenage years I maybe had a bit of teenage angst, most of us do.. but not a lot, I got mine out the natural way. my poor mom, I was an incredibly wild child! but other than that I have been a happy, smiling and maybe out-there person, always saying whats on my mind and living my truth.

So I started analyzing my life: I just sold my house in the beaches and now live in an apt in the west end.. I miss my friends from there, but still keep in touch with many and have new friends here, my apt is great, new furniture, comfortable, low maintenance. I am good friends with my husband, we just split up after 20 years last November.. but we see and e-mail each other regularly and probably get along better now than before. I have an amazing partner-boyfriend who is so supporting and accepting and fun! He hasn't met my kids or husband but that may happen soon. My kids are excellent. Dylan just started university and loves it. Nick is in grade 12 and happy, Kaiya's in grade 11, they are both doing really well. She's really happy, just started co-op placement at Yorkville school of Esthetics, where she really wanted to get into, my friend runs it & got her in. My work is ok, my cat is ok, although is probably going to go live with James this weekend, it'll be better for him there & I will still get to see him often.. so everything with my close relationships is good. Those are the most important things and it's not that.

I think it may have been raw food but more likely the ayahuasca, which I have been experimenting with .. and some deep thing that I was carrying, and not realizing I was carrying is (or has) been released. This has been going on, on & off for the past few weeks, but especially this past week and I am just feeling now like it's over.

I woke up this morning and had the luxury of getting to go back to sleep after Kaiya left for school. Pulling my big white fluffy duvet over my head.. and when I woke up, I peeked out, expecting a wave of tears to come over me and nothing.. I just waited, looked around, ok.. surely it's going to happen soon. I'm going to start crying again.. nope.

I was crying a lot.. it was like a depression, well, I felt like I had depression symptoms, but I knew that wasn't it, because I wasn't depressed. I could see through it. I would wake up and cry in the mornings, sometimes in the shower or just when I woke up .. and then be ok for most of the day, sometimes feel a bit teary, but easy to shrug off, but I felt this deep sadness over me. I still worked and hung out with friends and laughed and lived life.. but somehow there was this heavy sad feeling behind it all. And then at night before I went to bed I would cry again, burst into tears.. and feel heavy and fall asleep.. It was totally crazy as I had never experienced this. Maybe it was all the life changes, my reality, everything I based my stability on in life had been changed, I am now independent, or trying to be, Thankfully I have lots of support!

But I really feel like it was something much greater.. like something either from my past or more likely past life -or ancestral memory, something like that working itself out. I think it completely passed yesterday.. in the afternoon I looked up and the leaves and branches were even brighter and more luminescent than before.. I felt like "it's gone and I am clearer" It may be a temporary lapse but I think thats it.. I feel myself and more than myself, stronger, today. Its a wonderful feeling, what a lightness to release that heavy feeling, whatever it was that I had been living with and not even realizing that I was living with it. I am feeling an incredible lightness of being right now.

That was very unusual, but I am glad to have experienced it. It's exciting to feel all of life, gives us an understanding ,, and if this feeling now lasts, it's very wonderful. I almost feel like I could fly - or at least levitate!
Hugs, am off to the gym, get stronger on the physical level also ; )
Have a beautiful, clear, luminescent day